Certainty

This kind of certainty about another human being only comes around once in a lifetime.

 Bridges of  Madison County

I have thought at different times in my life that I was sure, absolutely and unquestionably sure about a person. I am absolutely sure now, that I was absolutely wrong, on several occasions.  There are few people who I have ever been certain about; the list is short and it mostly consists of family members. Unfortunately, I even question some of those choices. Family is still a choice even though they are family. Yes, I said that and I mean it.  Other than those few,  I have never known certainty, it has been illusive and out of reach for me, especially where men have been concerned.  I have been so terribly wrong, so many times, that I just quit trusting myself and decided to be alone with the one person that I am sure about…my sweet and precious son.  That is safe and I need safe.  I was determined to get him into college, through college, married, grandchildren for me someday, and that would be how I would lead my life, indulged in his life, not mine. I decided that this was my calling and I was happy about it; it was a strange kind of relief.

Be careful when you aren’t looking for anything…it will come along. In my case, it began with a very quiet knock…so quiet, I could have missed it. Here is how the story goes. Well, at least, my side of the story.

I was encouraged to think about seeing a man I had been around for a few years but he didn’t even seem to know I even existed. Now why would I do that? Why would I go out with a man who barely said hello to me for the two years I knew him? I was confused but strangely intrigued. I think that the only reason I agreed to see him was because of the assurance that he only wanted a companion. Companion..that sounded comfortable, non-committal, optional and like I could back out quickly, quietly and not make any epic mistakes along the way. I liked that …it was okay with me… I could use one of those companion relationships that had an exit plan. I was assured that he would be fun and that he is not marriage material. I wasn’t sure about either of those statements, I just left a relationship that I couldn’t get a commitment even if I won the lottery and he was fun too but a kind of fun that was dangerous in ways I can’t begin to put into words. Any man who was referred to as fun and not marriage material (and in the same sentence) meant a variety of things that I already knew I couldn’t live with…other women, questionable behavior, disappearing acts, no accountability, non traditional in every way….you get the idea. I felt like I may be walking into that same frying pan that I just leapt from only days earlier.  My girlfriends made me promise I would say no to this offer of fun.  I promised. As I promised, I  vowed with every good intention that I would say no, I also understood this about myself…I knew how to dance in frying pans. I was good at that, it was familiar. I was pulled into the frying pan…willingly, knowingly, and with an attitude that it was just one night, dinner. What could possibly happen?

It was my birthday. I was coming out of a wonderful, fun weekend all orchestrated to celebrate life and friendship. It was happy and fun, I felt blessed. At the same time, I knew I had been forgotten by the man I had been friends with for 36 years and in a relationship with for 6 of those years. In my heart, I knew it would happen, I was not surprised but I was absolutely hurt. I had made my own plans to celebrate but I was so unsurprisingly hurt that, I cancelled them, took a sleeping pill and was in bed by 7. I was sad, hurt and ready to move along in my life. I found myself drifting off to sleep wishing that the fun guy, the possible companion guy, the not marriage material guy, would have called. He didn’t and all I could think was what a perfect opportunity he missed to show me how fun and spontaneous he was. Forget it Linda! Give Up! Go with your first plan, the one about carrying on by yourself…you will be fine, you are a smart girl..you can do this alone. It won’t be so bad. I was done.  I was disappointed but I was also too tired and sad to dwell on it. So, I did the best thing I could do..I fell asleep. I think I dreamed all night of rocking my grandchildren with a head full of gray hair…all alone. Was I pitiful or what?

I woke up refreshed and with a new, sassy attitude. The plan would be perfect, I was going to move forward with it and be happy about it dammit! Somewhere during that day, I received an unexpected text and was offered fun guys private email address. He wanted to connect. Hmmm, really? Did I want to do that? I had a plan to stick to…I gave it some thought, a respectable few minutes. I had to get through the previous nights disappointment and not hold it against him. I did it. I responded. I broke my promise to my girlfriends and to myself. We exchanged some emails and eventually talked on the phone the next night. We talked for an hour and a half and I know for me, I could have talked several more hours. It was fun, funny, serious, silly, happy. It was actually amazing. I was intrigued again. But…I had to contain myself, he was only going to be a companion. I believe that because I made the choice to be me, say what I thought, believed and was absolutely honest about everything he saw me for who I really am. For whatever reason, he liked it. I figured I had nothing to lose except a dinner companion, this was only a friendship.

After lots of texting and talking, we made plans for a Sunday night to share dinner. That was easy, a Sunday night, it was sure to be an early night…this is easy. I can do this.

Sunday morning arrived. I wasn’t afraid..I as paralyzed! Is there a difference? I went shopping for something to wear that would be acceptable for the first dinner with a new man in about 112 years. I found something, I found something else..I couldn’t come to a conclusion that suited me so, I bought it all. At one point, I actually sent him a text…”Dear Fun Guy, What am I going to wear?” I felt like I could ask my friend what to wear…I figured that was okay. Remember, I had nothing to lose. He said something about a toesack.

I got ready for the evening. I felt like I was 13, so uncertain, watching the clock…would he show up? Would he be on time? Was this going to be yet another disaster orchestrated by me and my bad choices? Linda…you can do anything for 4 hours…4 hours tops…an hour there, 2 hours at dinner and an hour home. That is all it would take for him to decide I am not the quality he is used to…I would be off the hook and I would go back to my original plan of living happily ever after all alone. I am pretty good company so I was okay with that.

We decided on 6:15′ish for our dinner together. It was getting close. I began thinking that he was going to be really late (that is what I had become accustomed to) or find something else to do and call me later or not (this was the other thing I had become used to). The next thing I knew, I saw the front of his car pull up. My anxiety and fear melted away in an instant. Now THAT was odd. Hayden’s girlfriend said, ” Are you nervous?” All I could say was,” No, not now, he is here.” I have no idea where that came from but I said it and I meant it. There was not one second of feeling afraid or tentative..not one. I was ready to go to dinner with my new fun guy.

He arrived at my door, made a comment about the peep-hole, delivered a lovely bottle of wine as my birthday gift and we made a round of my humble abode. He was interested in my odd assortment of things, we talked a lot, we talked with the kids and then off we went to dinner. He opened the car door for me…a lost art I must say and something that I rarely experienced. I already felt special but, I also knew this was only dinner and he was such a gentleman.

We had a wonderful Italian meal that night. We were seated across from each other at a large table…I wanted to be closer to this man and I asked if it was okay that I move next to him. He said yes, he would rather I was closer. All I could think was that maybe his hearing was failing…it couldn’t possibly be because he really wanted me closer. I found out later that it turned out, it was both, bad hearing and he wanted me closer. I was winning and I didn’t have a clue.

I decided before that night began that I was going to be myself…all of me. If he didn’t like what he saw, it was not an issue…we were just friends. I suppose it was also a little bit of a test for myself..could I be me and was that enough or was I going to bend and try to fit into his idea of a woman? NO! No way. I have done that for so long that I was not sure who I was myself. It was time to find me, to figure out where I fit in the new world I am trying to create, it was time to be okay with myself, regardless of what anyone else thought of me. ..even fun guy.

We talked about everything…I mean everything. I found myself telling him things that I had not told anyone. I wasn’t nervous, I didn’t feel intimidated, I didn’t feel lost or like I was pretending. The meal was fabulous, neither of us drank, and we were still relaxed and had a lot of fun. No chaos, no drama, no accusations, no control over me, no dancing around alcohol, fluctuating moods…is this what it is supposed to be like? I have heard about this kind of man, I have friends that say they have this kind of man…is it possible that my new friend was one of those? Wow….all I could think was  there is a lucky woman on the planet that will get this man as her own someday and I am figuring  that I will get to watch that relationship unfold and I would support my new friend. All of those thoughts went through my head…in what seemed like a nano second. I was feeling really fortunate and happy that he would find that someday. He deserved it; I could tell.

I have to back up for a minute and fill you in on some details. When my past relationship ended, I told, I asked, I begged  God  to give me someone to develop a friendship with that I already knew, that He wouldn’t require me to meet someone new.  I did not want to meet anyone in a bar, online, on a blind date…I never dreamed that it would be this man…never. He had been under my nose for 2 years. I saw him frequently, he would barely say hello and disappear. Never a word to me, never a conversation. I thought he was a snot. A handsome snot, but a snot….I was all wrong about the snot part. You will find out more about why he didn’t talk to me as you read.

Back to our date, we were thrown out of the restaurant, they were closing. Time flew by. I don’t remember a single moment of being uncomfortable or without something to talk about. I also did not have one indication that fun guy was interested in me at all. He was a total gentleman. We started back home, talked all the way. I later found out that he set the cruise on 50 mph to make the night last longer. I had no idea. We got to my home, talked a minute, for some reason, I asked him to come in and visit. (LINDA! Are you kidding me? Did you just do that? Gawd! You are an incredible idiot! STOP!) He agreed and promised to stay for only a little while, I had to work the next day, he didn’t.  Okay…I agreed, he agreed. He came in, we sat down on my couch, we talked, we laughed, we shed tears, we shared secrets, we shared our dreams and hopes and what we wanted our lives to look like. We talked about our boys and how precious they are to us and how we would do anything for them, at any cost. I had no fear of any question he had, I had no hesitation in asking him anything. I was stunned that this was the same guy I had been hearing about and the one that I had misunderstood for a very long time….and more than that, I found that I wanted more. Was this possible? What about my plan? The one where I am going to be happily alone? Oh man, what am I doing? Honestly, I found that I was having a wonderful, relaxed time with a very enjoyable man. I soon realized that I didn’t want this night to end..I was in a very happy, peaceful place. It was strangely uncomfortable to be comfortable.

My son came upstairs at 1:30 in the morning. He heard the T.V. and thought I had fallen asleep. He was surprised that my fun guy was still there. He didn’t have a shirt on and was apologetic. I remember feeling a bit panicked that my date..Oops! my friend.. would think my son had intruded on our night. How would he handle my son? Was this going to be a problem? My son said he was hungry…he was invited to heat our leftovers and join us to talk. I was relieved and happy. My son visited with us and went back to bed. Being welcomed rather than being an intruder was new for my son and for me. My son and I were pleasantly surprised…

My friend wanted to know what time it was…I knew but I knew if he knew, he would leave. I did the best thing i could think of….I hid his keys and his shoes.

He stayed. We talked, laughed a lot, shared more, looked at pictures, told our secrets. Before we knew it, it was 5:30 in the morning. Neither of us could believe it. This was a first for both of us. I finally gave him his keys and his shoes and let him leave. I was sure I would never see him again.  He promised to call, I said “Yea, okay…thanks for a great evening.”  This was all too good to be true. I did what I do best when I don’t know what else to do. I went to bed and went to sleep thinking that I had just had a crazy dream.

I was pleasantly surprised when he called. He said he had 2 hours available that evening while his son was at drivers ed. He said he wanted to spend it with me….a walk in the rain. Would I do that? Would I mind the rain? I said, just tell me where and when and I am there. I went. I could hardly believe it. Really? Was he just going to thank me for a fun evening and wish me well? He greeted me with a beautiful Chinese Lantern, drove me to a lovely spot on the lake, gave me rain gear, gloves and an umbrella and we walked arm in arm for those available hours. He was very honest about his interest in me and very up front about his concerns about how recently my long-term relationship had ended. He said he was not willing to be rebound guy. I respected that. I admired his honesty and his ability to be forthright. Honestly,  I was already hooked and already his. I couldn’t believe what I was feeling, seeing and experiencing.  I knew I was not interested in going backwards and ending up in that old nightmare that I thought was a wonderful love story. I knew that as I voiced that things that had happened in that relationship, it was completely sick, completely void of love and full of destructive acts of cruelty against me and my son. I knew, that I knew, that I knew that the past was just that. I was willing to go forward as uncomfortable and as much work as it was bound to be. I wanted to be healthy, I knew I wanted to be loved, I knew that this had a lot of potential. Something told me that this was safe, this was good, this was right. We agreed to move forward, he agreed to walk with me through the difficulties of breaking free of the past. I knew then that he was amazing, real and willing to commit himself to a woman he barely knew. We were willing to trust each other in spite of some really bad past relationships. There was something special between us, something so familiar and something so new at the same time. I had to know if this was going to be that illusive love I had searched for all of my life.

It has been 6 months since that first evening. We have had some intense, difficult things happen in this short time. We have done an amazing job of navigating the rough waters together, talking openly and honestly and developing our friendship. We have shared our children, their lives, our lives. We have developed a relationship that neither of us expected or have ever experienced. For a time, I believed that this relationship had magically changed me.  Although there is some truth to that, I believe it has simply, yet delicately and intensely, freed me to be me. It is the same for him. It is amazing for both of us to be in a relationship that does not include games, cruelty, or ulterior motives. We are honest, transparent, caring, loving, and our number one concern (aside from our kids)  is one for the other. More than anything, this has been fun…not the fun that I was promised or thought it would be when I first learned of his interest in me….I mean fun to be sure of each other, confident that it is going in the right direction for both of us and fun to be loved wholly, completely, and certainly.  This kind of loves makes a heart happy, confident, and wanting more.

So,  watch out when you give up on what you really want..it will come to you. It might come in a whisper or it might be like a tsunami. Pay attention and be willing to look beyond how things appear. Do listen to the warnings, be cautious, be smart and be YOU…ALL of you. Go for the year of yes….yes to anything that comes your way. Be ready…be happy. When it happens…love him, let him love you, let the magical transformation begin and allow it to remain.  Do you know what I mean by that? Don’t sabbotage it, don’t mess it up. Oh! and let me tell you why he never spoke to me, why he disappeared behind a closed door when I saw him. He was engaged, he was committed. He was in a failing relationship yet, he remained faithful and remained focused.  He believes it is absolutely inappropriate to even appear to be interested in another person when you are in a relationship…even a glance, a moment of conversation that could be misinterpretted is not acceptable behavior. That told me that he is incredibly unique and wonderful….a provider and a protector. I never have a second thought or question about where I stand with him, he has no desire to make me guess. That was new to me….I knew then, that I knew, that I knew, he is the one.

I wish I could show you when you are lonely the astonishing light of your own being. If only you could see yourself through my eyes.

Love is….Love isn’t

I asked on a social media site if anyone could define love….I had some interesting responses. Anything from ‘Friendship on Fire’ to ‘the air you breath’ to a quote of 1 Corinthians 13…It was an interesting variety of answers and I think all of them correct in their own way. I don’t have a good definition of it, I know for sure it has been illusive in my life. I can’t help but to think of the sweet cartoons of the boy and the girl, do you remember them? Love is…I remember them well. When we found one that was just right we would cut them out and put them on the refrigerator or in a scrap-book. Some of simplest thoughts that made a big impact…some of them were just thoughtful things we could do for our mate or heart warming sentiments about a loved one. For so many of us, those little cartoons of the man and woman meant a great deal in our pursuit of true love; some of us were romanced by them, our courtship’s were defined by them.  I recently found  a CD about love that was geared towards teens; it was a live recording with an audience full of teenagers. I figured I should listen to it since I have one of those…I was sure that I would be able to pass some valuable information on to him. Who knew it would be me that would become the student, not the teacher. As  I was listening, the question was asked, “What is love?” I couldn’t help but recall the images of the boy and girl in the cartoons. To me, all of the things in the years of Love is cartoons were love. Could love really be defined?  To me, love was the culmination of actions, thoughts, words. I had been the recipient of good deeds, sweet words, big hugs,  all of my life…didn’t all of that  define love? The kids in the audience had a variety of answers, some of them didn’t have an answer at all. Suddenly, I realized that I didn’t have an answer for myself…at almost 45 years old I did not have a definition for love. The next questions that were asked that made an even bigger impact on me…”If you don’t know the definition of love, how do you know when it is happening? Even bigger than that, how do you know when it is not happening?” Whoa…

The speaker continued with his lesson on love…He made the statement that love is not a feeling. That seemed to create a lot of confusion for his audience, myself included.  His proof for that was simple…God commands us to love each other. Feelings cannot be commanded. Think of this very basic example…We can make our kids go (command) to school but we cannot make our kids like (feeling) going to school. Okay, that’s pretty simple. I got it…love is action. He went further in to his definition. Love is… protection and provision. We protect, at any cost, the ones we love. We provide for, at any  cost, for the ones we love.   Hmmmmmmm….. 

I had a lot to think about. I had a lot of questions for myself. Why didn’t I know that definition? Had I ever been loved in that way? Had I ever been loved without condition? What was my definition of love? Did I love anyone in this way?

To think of being loved with those two action words really changes the heart. I think that my life would have been very different had I been shown love like that by my father. I can only imagine how my confidence would have soared if I would have seen him treat my mom the same way. I believe that being loved like that allows people to feel truly special, unconditionally proud of themselves, cherished to the point of no matter where we are, what we are doing, we are loved. The only requirement of that kind of love is just simply to exist.  I believe that had I been loved that way, I would have been able to stand up for myself and say no to the sexual predator that was present when I was a young child. I believe that I would have been able to say no to the youth pastor that decided to pursue me as yet another predator. I believe that I would have been able to say no to the boys that tried and succeeded in taking advantage of me. I believe I would have been able to stand up for myself sooner, better, and in a way that no one would have questioned my sincerity or my belief that I was more valuable than to be treated as anything other than spectacular. I believe I would have been able to say no when I wanted to and when I knew I needed to. I believe my choices would have been ones that produced good things earlier in my life because I would have believed in myself.

Once the definition of love finally settled into my brain and eventually into my heart, I realized that I wasn’t being loved. I decided to take a step and tell the man who I have been in a relationship with for many years what I want and how I expect to be treated. Of course, like every conversation before, I was given promises that were not kept. The last conversation was very clear, I was at the end, I could not take any more hurt and disappointment. It was the final warning shot…there would not be a next time. Trust me when I say that, I, like you, didn’t believe me either.

I went on a dinner date with that man just last night. I was dressed in a long, black linen sun dress, cute sandals, my hair actually co-operated and looked great for once. Honestly, I looked really good and I felt oddly confident and weirdly peaceful in spite of what had been brewing inside of me.  The previous days were filled with distance and games, just like before.  I decided to confront him about this on the way to dinner. I didn’t get very far..I was told that I am difficult, unavailable. I dropped it and we got to the restaurant. We sat in the bar area, shared some very surface conversation, ordered our meals. After some quiet moments and failed attempts of being light-hearted , I explained that I was hurt and angry and that, as any woman, I needed to get things between us settled before I could move on and have a normal conversation.  He reared back and with an angry voice said  that he wasn’t going to “waste his time on someone who is boring and won’t talk to him”. Waste your time?  I marinated in that swamp water for a few minutes; I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I finally turned to him and let him know that I did not have any intention of letting him waste his time on me anymore. I let him know that I realized that I was a waste of my father’s time, I may have been a waste of my ex-husbands time but I was not a waste of his time…that I am worthy of effort. He then told me that  I was taking his comments too far. For me, the hurt button was pushed and I knew at that moment that there was no turning back. He went on to suggest to me that we reset our relationship and rekindle the friendship. I asked what that meant for him, did it mean that he would see other people? He replied with a smirk,  “I might.”  I returned to the swamp water marinade that had suddenly turned into sewage. When I got myself together, I calmly explained to him that I could not reset any relationship with him with the knowledge that he was contemplating, if not already, seeing other women. I asked if he was already seeing someone, he actually said with another smirk  ”Yes, she is 22, blond, blue-eyed and long-legged.” Did he really think that was funny? He tried to backtrack and tell me that he had to put that out there. He then suggested to me that I am insecure if I couldn’t handle that and that I should prove to him that I am a quality individual. He also reminded me that in such a scenario I would get to see other men. Without hesitation, I said no way, not a chance. He then said, “So, you are an all or nothing person?” Are you kidding me? Are we really having this conversation? That is when I picked up the phone and called the cab.

As I was getting up to leave, I let him know that he had won. He was getting what he wanted, his freedom from me. His freedom from a woman who craves a family, enjoys tradition, loves her home, loves her son, is devoted to fidelity, consistency, and a life filled with happiness.  Oh yes, and don’t forget, the boring woman who shows her love with gestures of  kindness and thoughtfulness. I let him know that I had planned a surprise birthday celebration for him for the following week and I would send him the guest list because he was now in charge of orchestrating the evening.   He said he wasn’t winning if I left, it was sad to him. I said it seemed very easy for him, he was sitting there like he was on a Sunday drive.  He let me know that if I walked out it would be the last time I ever saw him. I decided to take that chance.

I got outside, sat on the curb and figured the taxi would take a while to arrive. I began getting anxious thinking of him walking out of the restaurant and finding me there. To my surprise and relief, the big, yellow taxi appeared. The driver never saw my face, never saw the tears steaming down my face, he never sensed my anxiety…I was just a passenger in his backseat. I never saw his face, I only heard his thick, forgein accent. He left the windows down while we drove and let me say, my cute hair was now a big rats nest.  He made some jokes about his being unable to follow his GPS and asked if I could direct him. We were headed to a very remote area, very dark, about 20 miles from our starting point…indeed, it was not easy to find. I began playing out in my mind how this was going to unfold. It was going to be extremely dark, I knew I was going to have to climb the fence, there was a steep, long drive, I had to get the driver paid…My brain was on overload. How was I going to do all of this before he got home? Oh sure Linda, you have bitten off more than you can chew this time! I remember saying out loud..I am too damn old for this. Somehow I sensed that my driver was kind and that he could be trusted; I asked that once we arrived at my destination that he wait for me to get my car. He repeated my request with a little confusion and then he agreed, “Of course, I will wait.” I think at that point he may have realized that I was distressed and concerned. He sped up and was now going 70 mph in a 35 mph zone; a sheriff was driving next to us and I was sure that my nice driver was about to get pulled over. The sheriff actually waved us on! WHAT?  My driver, in his thick accent said, “Sheddiff, he a veddy nice man.” I agreed. I had to wonder if they knew each other? Did they have an agreement, an arrangement between them, maybe a signal they exchanged to allow for such speeding…he seemed so familiar with the nice Sheddiff. I still don’t understand what happened with that but I do believe it was a gift from God. When we arrived at the house to get my car, I gave the driver instructions to go to the end of the street and turn around. I left my credit card with him to expedite the financial matters and I ran to the fence that I had to jump over order to get to my car. The real reason I sent him to the end of the street came very clear to me. I was soon struggling to get my sandals into the holes of the fence so I could climb while at the same time pulling my long black dress around my neck so it wouldn’t catch on the jump down to the ground. I was crying, breathing like a marathon runner and was now balancing myself like a drunk cat on the top of the fence and then,of course, there was my rats nest hair. I suddenly remembered how much I hate heights. It was a matter of seconds but it seemed like a lifetime that it took to talk myself into that jump. I was picturing myself hanging from the fence by my  long, black dress…It was as dark as it could possibly get and suddenly…headlights. It was the driver coming back from his trip to the end of the road. I knew he would be shocked and possibly horrified at what he was about to see so, I did it…I jumped. I landed and froze for a moment trying to decide if I had broken anything on the way down or if was hanging on that 7 ft. fence. I was amazed, in tact and free to run. The driveway that led to my car was long and very steep; I had climbed it a million times before but tonight it felt like I was climbing a mountain. By the time I reached my car I was out of breath, praying, still crying, talking myself through this surreal night.  I got in, sped to the gate, got out of my car, snatched the receipt for my $60 freedom ride out of the faceless mans hand and left. I was stunned to pass the now ex-boyfriend on his street. There were literally 30 seconds between my departure and his arrival.  Out loud, I thanked the veddy kind sheddiff..

I let my son know that I was headed home and that I was in a taxi. He knew. He has watched the relationship unravel, he saw the disappointments and, sadly, he was the recipient of a lot of it himself.  He also knows what it is like to let go of someone who you love. He has been patient and kind as I have been battling my own will. When I arrived at home, he had opened a bottle of pricey red wine, poured me a glass and greeted me at the door. My big, strong, loving young man let me fall apart in his arms. My son said to his hysterical, inconsolable mother, “Mom, I am proud of you, you did the right thing.” I knew at that moment, any criticisms that the ex-boyfriend had ever heaped on me about my parental skills were void. I raised a man who is kind, caring, sincere, dedicated, loving and is able to recognize when someone is in pain. He knew to love me, not to add judgement or an “I told you so” to the night. That, all by itself, confirmed that I was more than the ex ever believed I was.

Thirty six years I have known this man. I have been devoted to him and him alone for the past 6 years. I lived with him for 3 years, left, and then, because of his promises of a better life, gave him another year of my life. Somewhere in my distorted mind I knew that I wasn’t being loved but I wasn’t brave enough to face it. I knew that my breaking point would always be other women and, for me, just the suggestion of it was enough to walk away. I am sitting here contemplating my life and how to move on from the pain, disappointment and anger of being let down; the anger at myself for going back.  I chose a man who is unable to love me, that is unavailable to love me, that refuses to be the man it requires to be in a lasting relationship. I chose a man just like my father. I chose a man that makes me wait my turn for his attention, his affection, someone who is not wholly mine and solely his own. I think he has one of those number dispensers like you find at a meat market attached to somewhere to his body. My picker was broken, my self-esteem was shattered enough to believe I deserved him, my self-respect was non-existent or I would have never allowed myself to get to this point. I did what I knew. I did what I saw my mom do for years. My mom was long-suffering and I believe that it cost her a great deal in her life. Of all the things I admired about my mom and wanted to be like when I grew up, this is not one of them. My dad didn’t know what he had in my sweet mom, his devoted wife. My now ex-boyfriend didn’t know what he had in me or maybe he did and he didn’t want it and really didn’t care after all. Maybe it was a lot of words that meant absolutely nothing, just a game in which he was the only winner.  He won his independence and freedom from me, from the anchor in his life. That certainly hurts my ego and makes me question myself and my ability to choose. I knew in my heart of hearts that when he bought the Corvette a few months ago, it was the beginning of the end. The truth is, he needs a 22-year-old, long-legged blond sitting in his passenger seat. That is what he wants and believes he deserves in his life. That is what the world expects to see getting out of that car, not a 5’8″ 45-year-old red-head.  I said that to him several weeks ago and of course, he denied it.  I get it and I can’t say that I am surprised. I have to wonder if he planned it this way…he couldn’t end it so he figured if he treated just bad enough in a really short period of time that I would eventually leave. He knew that I would never cause a scene in a public place…and I didn’t.

It is difficult for me to say because I do not fully believe it yet but, I am quality, I am  amazing, I am spectacular, I am worthy of being loved just because I exist. I must have believed it somewhere in my mind because I got the courage to leave and to voice my thoughts and feelings that night. It may be a long road to finding myself again, to believing the things I just wrote, it may be a long time before the truth takes root in my broken heart but I know I am at least on a better, safer road now, I am driving my own bus and picking better passengers. 

More to come….

Update: It has been a week of a rollercoaster ride. Not a good time but a necessary process.  I just had an epiphany! I have been so  focused on thinking that he has changed, that I don’t fit into his life anymore.  To focus on that was really painful and was not helping me to move through the days. I couldn’t see the truth…the truth is that  I CHANGED! He doesn’t fit into my life anymore. I have outgrown him, I want something better and different for my life, he wants to remain exactly where he has been for years. I am willing and able to face that I am aging, wrinkled in some places, thick in others, gray without hair color, hair where it doesn’t belong, no hair where it is needed…That’s all okay with me because my life is good and happy regardless of those things. I have a lot to live for, to enjoy, to experience…I am not afraid of age and besides that, I have no control over it anyway! It came clear to me this morning when I read this post…A woman in hurt will stay around to see if willingly you can change. A woman of worth won’t stay around because she knows she has changed.                          Ah ha!

Brilliant Truth.

Coconut Cake…YUUUMMMMEEEE

OMGOSH! I have never created a recipe in my life. I made this one up last week when I was making a brithday cakes for my dear friends Sherrie Graham and Dana Baker…I can’t take all the credit as I kinda copied mom’s Tiramisu. If you like coconut, I think you will like this one. Let me know!

Cake:

1 french vanilla cake mix

4 egg whites

1 c. coconut milk

1 t. vanilla

1  c. fresh coconut

Preheat oven to 350. Prepare 2-9 inch pans with baking spray and a light coating of flour

Combine all wet ingredients until thoroughly mixed; add cake mix; blend quickly. (this is a heavy cake so your batter will be thick)

Pour half of the batter in each pan; spread the batter until it is even. Bake for approximately 20 minutes. remove from oven, let cool for a few minutes then place on cooling racks.

Once the layers are completey cool, split them, making 4 thin layers.

If you like the idea of rum brush each layer with a light coating of it.

Icing:

8 oz. cream cheese at room temperature

1 c. sugar

3 c. heavy cream

1 t. vanilla

1/3 c. coconut milk

Beat cream cheese until smoothe, add sugar and beat again until mixed thoroughly, add vanilla, coconut milk and heavy cream. Beat on high until mixture is fluffy.

Place first layer on a pretty cake plate, add icing, continue stacking and layering. Ice the cake with icing mixture and then coat the sides and top with fresh coconut. If you want to decorate the edge, just pipe a thick, pretty line of pre-made vanilla frosting to the bottom edge…don’t bother trying to put one on the top…it will fall right off becasue of the coconut…Guess why I know that???

Please let me know if you make this and how you liked it…

Enjoy!

God, Les Schwab (a close second), and the cabin

God, Les Schwab, the cabin

My roots are in church. We were always there whether we wanted to be or not. In fact, there was a time in my teenage years that Mom made it a rule that if I didn’t go to church, I was grounded for the week. No fun, no dates and she meant it. She said, “If you don’t have time to pray, you don’t have time to play.” I battled her on it and as you can probably guess, she won. In reality, I won in the long run. She knew that and somewhere in my heart I knew it too. I have lost and found God so many times in my life that it would be impossible and embarrassing to count it all. I can say without reservation or doubt that the times in my life that I held Him close were the most peaceful times in my life. Not to say that it was always easy, but I had an indescribable peace even in the midst of chaos. As contradictory as this is going to sound I believe it to be true…When I am closer to Him, the storms of life rage. When I am further from Him, the storms of life are more distant and life appears to be calm. When I am closer to Him, I have the peace that I mentioned earlier…a quiet knowing  (confidence) that He has my back, He has a perfect plan if I will just submit to it. Not easy to do, however, He has shown me repeatedly over the past several weeks that He has me covered. It is undeniable.

Some of what I am about to share with you may seem to many of you as crazy that I would actually think that the God of the universe would give a care about the seemingly small things in my life. I believe that He does care and that He knows my heart better than anyone, better than I know myself. He knows what I need, what I desire, what is best. I am finding that what I desire sometimes requires painful weeding of things in my life that aren’t working toward the plan. It hurts but I know it is the right thing. It doesn’t mean that I don’t fight it, that my will isn’t hard at work trying to make things happen my way, it doesn’t mean less tears, less pain, less hurt..it means that I get that there is a process. It certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t mess up, that I don’t make dreadful mistakes. I do and often.

Life has changed significantly in the past several weeks. I have taken a leap of faith and moved in a direction I never thought I would. I made changes that I did not believe I was capable of making. I am hoping that my current position at work increases quickly to full-time. In the meantime, I am looking for any kind of additional work I can get my hands on to have other sources of income and to keep me busy. All of that leads to the next two stories…

Les Schwab

I have been driving Hayden’s car while waiting for my company car to arrive. He has a great little Audi A4…very fun to drive. Most of my business is local but I do some day travel. I was scheduled to see one of my favorite practices in Eugene, Oregon on August 10th. These people are warm, inviting and always fun to see. I had no reason in the world to not want to visit them. My day started very early in another location. Let me add, when I was leaving for work, a still, small voice inside said “Take tennis shoes with you today.” What? Why would I do that? I did not listen, I just went to work and moved on with my day. When my first visit was complete, it was time to go to Eugene. Something kept me from going…I could not get motivated to go. I delayed as long as I could and finally got on the road. A few minutes into the trip I realized I was starving. I stopped for fast food…  I was in line for 25 minutes…not so fast, right? I finally left for real this time. An hour and a half into my trip my right rear tire blew…I was on I-5 in nowhereville. There were lots of semi trucks blowing by and I was now stranded wearing a business suit and faux cheetah stiletto’s …the voice came back but this time it said..I told you to bring tennis shoes today. I called a friend for car advice as I am clueless on these matters. We decided that because I was in nowhereville I should drive really slow to the next exit and call back when I was in a safe place.I did just that and while I was creeping along I searched for Les Schwab in my GPS…no luck.  (If you don’t know who Les Schwab is …they are famous for service, famous for their warranty. They actually run to your car when you pull into their parking lot. On really bad days I have thought about pulling in their lot just to see someone  running to me with a smile on their face.) Anyway… I had a set of fairly new tires on the Audi and knew that the warranty would apply. I really needed that financial bonus at that point but I knew I didn’t have very many options either.  I crept along until I got to the next exit and by now the car was thumping and flopping around from the flat…I continued on and I have to tell you I saw nothing that gave me any hope of this being an easy afternoon. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a truck pulled up behind me. I saw what looked like a police light on top of the cab…I was hopeful. The next thing I saw was Sam (Gorgeous Sam by the way) the Les Schwab tire man standing at my window. I must have looked stunned..I certainly felt stunned. All I could say was, “How did you know I was here?” He said, “I had no idea, I was headed back to the store; it is the end of my day.” I said, “You don’t have a store here.” He said, “Sure we do, it’s right up the road.” I asked, “What am I going to do, it’s the end of your day and I can’t drive with a flat.” Sam said, ” How about if I change your tire and take you to the store?” Now all I could say was, “Are you an angel?”   He just grinned at me…he has probably heard that before. ..Long story short, Sam put on my spare, led me back to the store, pre-arranged for the warranty to apply to the tire and credit to be applied to the other tires to be replaced and did not charge me for the road service. I ended up spending $254.00 on an entire set of really good tires for Hayden’s car. So you are probably wondering how it is that I believe God had my back, right? I still had to spend money that I really couldn’t afford to spend and I lost an entire afternoon of work. Here’s my thought…my trip out-of-town was delayed and for no apparent reason. If I had not been exactly where I landed, when I landed there, Sam the Les Schwab man would not have been there to help me and I would have potentially spent far more time and money than I did to fix the problem. To me, God was showing me that He had it all under control. There are no accidents, no coincidences. He was simply saying, “I have your back kid. Next time, listen when I tell you to take extra shoes.” Can’t you see George Burns saying that? I can. (please…if you don’t know the reference, take some time to look it up)

The cabin

Creativity is at the core of my being. If I have an opportunity to do something that produces warmth, fun, improvement..I am on it. I love a project…big or small. My dream job….to recreate interiors of homes by simply moving furniture, maybe painting a wall, adding inexpensive pieces to enhance what is already there. Auctions, Goodwill, thrift stores, Big Lots..there are so many treasures and treasures with a story. I had a work opportunity that came to me through Hayden’s job at the golf course. There is a cabin on the property that needed to be thoroughly cleaned so that it could go up for rent. I got to clean it on Saturday..it was a disaster. I had a blast making it whole again and making it smell fresh and new. Of course, while I worked, I had many ideas about decorating it and restoring it for a future guest or resident. After 11 hours, the job was done! I was overpaid for the work I did and invited back to paint!!!! Is that amazing or what? I had the need to make money and the desire to work. I was given a job that involved a lot of hard work, given the ability to perform the work and now the opportunity to put creativity into the project. Again, being taken care of. All of the needs were met..actually they were exceeded. Amazing, absolutely amazing.

Some of you are shaking your head as if I have lost my mind; some of you completely understand what I am talking about. Whatever camp you are in right now, just know that I am, without question, giving God the credit. Life has thrown me some curve balls lately, I am in the middle of some really tough times, and I am also in the middle of some really exciting times too. Some of the curve balls are my own..I take responsibility for those. I struggle, I battle, I have internal wars that can keep me up at night. There are moments that I want to scream, that I want to yell out some really foul thoughts,  there are moments that I could say some really immature, hurtful things to get back at people but I am choosing to be silent on most things and let it all be worked out however they are meant to be worked out. I have to return to my core values, the ones my mom taught me throughout my life. I need to be more like her. She had that quiet knowing, complete confidence that everything would work out no matter what. It would all be a win-win in the end. She said that even as she was faced with her own death…”Honey, I will never be ready to leave you but whatever happens, I am in a win-win situation.” Man I miss her.

I was encouraged by my Mama Pat to write this all down…she has been extremely supportive and loving throughout my life and especially throughout the past 2 years of turmoil, sadness and joy all mixed together. She has the unconditional, non-judgemental love of a mother and a friend. She has been in my life, all of my life. Fortunately, she gets that the past few years have been really difficult and a struggle that has been filled with confusion and pain. Some of my friends have only known me through this part of my life. It easily appears as a life filled with chaos…my life before all of this was pretty quiet and calm; I had normal difficulties . I had nothing in comparison to the recent events. As individuals and as a family we have been  facing some challenges that require a lot of contemplation and letting go. It is hard to let go of  what we thought we knew. It is harder to keep it. There is a constant balancing act in realizing that everything has a season, a determined period of time in our lives. I was never prepared for my family as a whole to be a season in my life. I do believe that mom knew it though. We have all worn the fabric of friendships as we go through it all…a few friendships have not survived which, of course, causes one to question the strength it had in the first place. Maybe it is just part of the weeding that is taking place. I certainly don’t have the answers to most of my questions. I don’t think it really matters if I do or not. What matters is what I do with what is happening and keeping my own dignity throughout the process. Mom always had that; she always kept it in tact. I wonder how long it took her to learn how to do it. It seemed so natural for her; like it was part of her being. She was never rattled. Disappointed…yes. Hurt…yes. But never rattled. In the end, I will likely look back and realize why it all happened when it did and the way it did. I don’t really get it all right now. The part I do get is that I am covered, He has my back and I know, that I know, that I know that it is all going to be okay. Peace, quiet, confidence…no matter what.

 

Tiramisu anyone?

Did you know that the meaning of this favorite Italian dessert is PICK ME UP? Hmmmm….do you think that means the caffeine in the coffee used in this delicious treat or possibly a fun flirtation between a man and a woman? I suppose it means whatever you want it to!

This is  Mom’s number one favorite dessert, most requested by guests, the one we sold more than any other, the one I had the pleasure of selling to a local restaurant. She made it for many years..I wish I could remember where she got it or if she developed it herself. No matter how it arrived in her hands, it is absolutely fabulous. She shared it with anyone that asked for it so it is only fair that I do the same. You will appreciate having it and maybe it will become your family favorite. If you make it, please write and tell me all about it…

I will add some *hints along the way that will guarantee a perfect result…

Sara’s Tiramisu Toffee Torte

The cake…

1 white cake mix (*Mom preferred Betty Crocker)

1 c. strong coffee (*cooled)

4 egg whites

3/4 c. chopped Heath Bar (*you can buy this in bags in the baking aisle; be sure it is with milk chocolate – 1 bag is plenty…2 bags are well…even better!)

Heat oven to 350. Prep 2, 8 or 9 inch cake pans with baking spray, wax paper in the bottom cut to the size of the pan. If you have the thermal cake rings they make a perfectly even cake, no bubble top that you have to trim off! (If you don’t have those and want to use a towel..cut 2 strips of towel, moisten the strips and put them around the outside of the pan securing them with straight pins.) The other option is to be like me and not use any of those tricks…Mom just rolled hers eyes, shook her head  at me and usually said my whole name…

Combine cake mix,coffee,egg whites. Mix on low speed until thoroughly moistened then beat for 2 minutes on high. Fold the Heath bar into the batter. Spread batter into the pans, bake for about 18 minutes, check the center with a toothpick..if it comes out clean the cakes are done.

Cool the cakes for a few minutes before putting them on cooking racks..if you used wax paper, let the cake cool a bit before removing it.

When the cakes are completely cooled, split the layers horizontally.

Frosting

2/3 c. sugar

6 oz. cream cheese (*let it get to room temp before making the frosting)

2 1/2 t. vanilla

1/2 c. chocolate syrup

3 c. whipping cream

In a mixing bowl combine sugar, cream cheese and chocolate syrup, mix until smooth. Add whipping cream and vanilla beat until light and fluffy.

Put it all together

You will need another cup of cooled strong coffee for this part…

So now you have frosting, 4 layers of cake, 1 cup of cooled, strong coffee. With the cut side up…put your first layer on a plate, drizzle the layer with coffee, spread some frosting, put on the next layer, do the same and continue until all 4 layers are done. Completely frost the cake and top it with the remaining Heath Bar. If you have an icing bag and tips, use premade chocolate frosting to pipe pretty shells or stars around the top and bottom of your creation. I would recommend refrigerating the cake before serving and of course, if there is any left, keep it refrigerated too!

Enjoy your Italian Pick Me Up!

Stay tuned…

Coming soon…

Mom’s recipe for Tiramisu Torte, scones and lemon curd…all fabulous.

I am excited to announce that her desserts are being enjoyed in a local restaurant…Wood Stone Steakhouse. It is an honor to provide her desserts to them and to know that people are enjoying them.

It just hit me…

and it hurts. I have not been very motivated today. I was laying on my bed and picked up a book that was my mom’s, The Power of a Praying Parent. In it is the bookmark made from Diane’s obituary complete with my favorite photo of her. I read the obituary like I had never seen it before in my life.  For a moment, that familiar, yet invisible wall appeared that doesn’t let me feel, the wall that makes me think it is someone else’s life I am reading about. The tears came and they haven’t stopped. I am typing and crying at this very moment. As I read through the book, there are many notes in mom’s writing. She is answering questions about her parenting, about us as her children, her concerns, our strengths. One of the questions is “Do you think you made mistakes in your parenting?” She answered ‘YES’. Of course, we all have. “Do you feel guilty about the mistakes?” “ No, because I was doing what I thought was right at the time.” She continues the work in the book and although I knew it all my life, her faith, her perserverence in prayer over our lives, her ability to hand us over to God wholly and completely is so evident in her anwers. She knew that we were her gift, hers to guide, hers to care for but we were really God’s. That is the perfect picture of stewardship. What I never realized growing up was how blessed I was to have a mom with that kind of faith, that kind of confidence, that kind of commitment. Mom knew us so well , she knew herself better but even more than, that she knew God. She was His, He was hers. She knew to never take herself too seriously and to always take His direction in everything. That is discipline and that is love.  I look at women who gladly give up their families for people, for things and no wonder I am stunned at those choices.  The women I see doing this have the shell of Chritianity but no depth, no real devotion to anyone but themselves. I had a mom that was committed to her husband and children in spite of experiences that would have caused most women to run. I had a mom who always had our best interests in mind even on the worst days. She was a real woman, a real mom, a real wife. She raised the bar in our home; now that she is gone the bar has dropped and the family is torn apart. I believe she knew that would happen if she were not around; I believe that is why she stayed when most would exit.

The things that come to light when someone dies can be overwhelming. The truth about the life they led is unveiled and the gaps in the story of their life are easily filled in. I knew that mom was committed to her vows just because of the person she was but I never realized what she endured in order to keep those sacred promises. She left this earth with a lot of things on her heart and in her mind. I know now that she was more than ready to go. If a person can give in to death and choose it, I believe she did both. I believe that she was done with the foolishness she saw, she was tired of being sick, tired of what was going on right in front of her, tired of feeling like a burden. Death was a welcome exit. She knew that her eternity was going to be one of peace, joy, freedom…a far better life than what she had.

Diane was one of the most determined people I ever knew. She had a strong will, a sharp mind, a creative soul. There was nothing she didn’t try, nothing she couldn’t do. She was funny, intuitive, sharp. Diane was all girl..she loved fun clothes, she loved hair and make up, and she couldn’t collect enough jewelry. We laughed until we cried, we talked about the craziest things, I told her things I couldn’t tell anyone else…I knew she would love me anyway. She was a lot like mom. Diane put up with a lot from people who were unfair to her, she stayed in a miserable relationship for years because she thought it was the best things for her kids, she was always forgiving, and was willing to do things on behalf of others even if it was to her own detriment. She had a heart of gold. I do not believe that Diane was ready to go and I believe that is why she held on for so long. She had so much to live for, so much she had not seen or done. Her last days were full of frustration for the loss of normalcy, loss of her strong, able body, the inability to take care of people. She ” wanted her life back”. This is such a strong contrast to mom’s final days.

The reality of the losses come at the most unexpected moments. I am learning to let it happen, to go with the emotions. Have you ever tried to hold a ball under water? It can’t be done for very long…eventually it erupts. That would be the closest comparison I can find. The emotions come and they go and I struggle to put the ball back under water. I will hold it there until the next time.

I dream every night about both of them. Last night, mom was there, in the kitchen. She was just visiting and I knew it was temporary. We were laughing and talking, enjoying each others company. I was leaving the room and turned around to say, “You know mom, if you could come back and visit every couple of months this would be so much easier.” She looked at me with that big smile and gave me a giggle. We hugged for a long time, I didn’t want to let go. It was so real.

I think it is time for me to sit in her chair and soak up whatever I can from it. I realize I sound sad, I am really just reflecting on her, Diane and the things that have come to light. I am too blessed to have had them to be sad and besides, it would not honor them. Diane would “beat my ass” for being like that anyway.

Diane’s Strawberry Cake

For the cake:

1 white cake mix

1/3 c vegetable oil

3 egg whites

6 oz. strawberry yogurt

about 12 chopped strawberries

Add in your mixer, blend well, bake at 350 until cake is done.

 Cool completely, split the layers horizontally..you will have 4 layers.

Frost with:

Sweetened Whipped Cream. In between the layers add chopped strawberries

OR

Frosting

6 oz. cream cheese at room temp

2 1/4 c. whipping cream

1 c. sugar

1/3 c. strawberry jam

1 t. vanilla

Beat cream cheese until smooth, add sugar, jam, vanilla until creamy and then add whipping cream…beat on high until fluffy. Frost cake, add beautiful, fresh strawberries around bottom edge for decoration..if you want to add something really special, dip strawberries in white or dark chocolate…refridgerate before serving.

Mom said it best

She always had a way with words. If she said it, she meant it. This is probably my shortest blog ever and right to the point. Mom said, “You can’t buy class and you can’t buy integrity.” I will add to her thoughts…you can’t buy back your reputation or your honor but you sure can sell it and the price is high. 

Remember, your life is not your own. Every choice, every decision affects more than just you.

 

 

The chair.

When I was about 18 I went into my first consignment store in Dallas, Texas. I found the most beautiful, most inviting, softest shade of pink, over sized wing back chair. I put it on hold, drove  my 1981 Honda Accord like I stole it  to pick up my mom, took her back to see the chair, she approved and I bought that piece of what was to become part of our history for $200.00. We stuffed it in the car, drove home  like two old ladies, drug that chair  up to my room and I sat in it everyday. When mom visited my room, she sat in it. It is so comfortable, so right…who knew it would hold such an important place in my heart. That chair went everywhere with me. It has been to several states, many apartments, dating a crazy variety of men, many homes, my marriage, friendships that came and went…the chair eventually made it to New York. There are many miles on it. If it could talk and tell the stories it knows … The chair sat at the bottom of the grand staircase at The Lindenwald Haus. It  became mom’s favorite place to sit where she read her mail, the paper, every book she could get her hands on, we talked,we laughed, we cried, we planned while she sat in that chair. She did a lot of thinking there, a lot of praying, a lot of contemplating. I never knew how much it would eventually mean to me, how I would long for it to be in my home again. I remember one afternoon going to get mom to join us for a shopping trip, she had fallen asleep. When I walked into the room, I was surprised to see how small she had become. She looked like a little girl. She had pulled her legs up and her knees were to her chin. There was enough room for me to sit in the chair with her. She was just so tiny. I gently woke her and asked if she still wanted to come with us. All she could say was “Not sleeping at night just sucks.” You have to know, my mom hated that word, sucks. Hated it. For her to use it, she meant it. So, we left her there to sleep in our soft, pink chair. ~ There is so much that has happened since mom and Diane died. Dad moved on immediately. He started seeing someone very quickly and  married 4 months after mom passed away. It has been very painful and divisive for our family. He seems to be ridding his life of anything that has to do with any of us and mom. It was important to me to get my remaining things from the Bed and Breakfast. I hired a shipper and had it all sent across the country. It all arrived today; I felt a weird sense of overwhelming relief that it was finally here.  I had a big smile on my face and my heart was really happy until I opened the box from my dad full of family  photo’s…everything from our wedding pictures to photos of my mom, to my sister’s senior pictures. It was a stunning confirmation that we are being shut out a little at a time. Why wouldn’t our own father want pictures of us? I actually asked him that. He said, “What will I do with them?”  There was really nothing else to say. So, I will be sitting in that big, pink chair tonight with a glass of Mad Housewife Merlot and toasting my sweet mom and my sweet sister and trying to understand my dad.  I think the pink chair holds a lot of secrets and they aren’t all mine….